Tag Archives: Mental Health

Starting 2019 On A Positive

Happy New Year folks, 2019 is finally here, not sure where 2018 went, but it’s January again. You know what that means? New Year, New Me! Pffft… no chance, yes it’s a New Year, but it’s still me, I’m still a fat man trying to lose some weight. So no huge changes around here I’m afraid.

On the plus side, I have been to get weighed this evening as per usual on a Wednesday. It was nice to be back into routine with the Slimming World Group, so the slate can be wiped clean and we start again in a new week. Last week I was away so didn’t get weighed. This means that the 7.5 lbs gain I have taken has been over two weeks. That’s not to bad, I was expecting worse after what I had consumed over Christmas.

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Thank You Anxiety

I’ve never really known what anxiety really was until recent times.  It can be a real bitch too.  When talking about anxiety in general, you will hear things like feeling on edge about something, feeling of restlessness in situations you don’t like and feeling irritable.

Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be… all of the above.

Let me quickly set the scene.  Tonight was Christmas Fair night at my daughters’ school.  The first Christmas fair of what would be many as she spends the first 6 years or so of her schooling life there.  School is a busy enough place when all the kids are there learning.  Now factor in all those kids being there with their parents and grandparents.  Imagine just how many people are now crammed into the school.

I believe this is the first time I’ve really felt uncomfortable with such a large number of people in such a confined space.  All 4 of us were there tonight; Me, the wife, our daughter, and our 10-month-old son in his pushchair.  A pushchair in the environment we were in was not the best call – both I and the wife will say that, but he’s too heavy to carry around without getting back issues.

Most of the time there the wife followed our daughter around doing the different games, buying the different cakes and arts ‘n’ crafts.  I tried to avoid the masses of people trying to get from A to B in the tiniest of spaces.  I generally hung to one side with the pushchair.

It was in the main hall (the most open part of the school) that I very nearly just took the pushchair and left.  I could feel myself fighting any emotions that were trying to come out, really not wanting to break down or anything in front of all these people that I don’t know.  I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me there and then.

A couple of minutes later (or what felt like much longer) the wife returned with our daughter and we eventually left.  I held it together while we walked back to the car, while I drove a quick errand to pick something up and until we got home.  As soon as we got home I needed something to do, so I went straight to tidying up.

The wife at this point knew something was off.  Then something happened which has never happened while I’ve felt like this, I told her what was wrong… kind of.  We just had a moment together and I explained that I just don’t think I can deal with large crowds – especially in confined spaces.

Granted having the pushchair did not help because you can’t really maneuver is anywhere and it really doesn’t help when people look gone out when you ask “excuse me please”.  It’s sometimes like you’re an inconvenience to them stood in the way not doing anything, rather than it actually be them who are the inconvenience.

What I need now is something to keep my mind busy.  Thus me straight into the tidying at home and now writing about my ordeal to all you wonderful readers.  I’m now a lot calmer than I was earlier, so thank you for your time and for letting me ‘get this off my chest’ if you’ve got this far.

Boiling Point

I’ve neglected this blog for the last week. I’ve not been in the best place in my head during this time.  Wednesday I hit boiling point and I went off the rails a little.  The usually calm, passive, nothing bothers me person that is me had disappeared for a short time.  An angry, emotional person appeared – enough to the point I had to take a walk to cool off.

Wednesday night was an all-time low for my mood and how I feel.  Never before have I felt so angry, but what makes it worse is I can’t pinpoint as to why.  It doesn’t seem it was a single thing that made my head snap, it must have been an amalgamation of ‘stressors’ that had caused my little episode.

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Putting It Behind Me

If I cast myself to this time last week I was buzzing.  I had lost weight for 3 weeks running and was starting to make a nice little run of decent weight losses.  I’d lost 11 lbs in 3 weeks and was feeling good about myself.  Not only had I had a good run of results, but I was 2 lbs off that next award, 2 stones.

This week went to pot from the start though.  As I posted yesterday Halloween was not good for me.  Yes, I’ve literally taken sweets from my daughter and you can judge all you want.  But the fact is I am as big as I am because of bad habits with food that I have allowed to run me for years.  Now bad habits don’t just stop overnight.  I’ve tried and failed multiple times to lose weight, but in reality, the habits keep winning.  I’m not the only person who feels like this, there are lots of overweight people in the world likely feeling exactly as I do (yes, that is an assumption).

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It’s That Time Of Year…

Not only are people starting to count down to Christmas, shops are getting stocked for Christmas and everyone is whining about Christmas decorations in public places already, but the nights are getting longer and the days shorter.

Along with longer night come cold mornings and just and cold evenings (though so far in the UK this week hasn’t been to bad in the evening).  Last week I started riding in a Windproof Jacket and some Bib Tights, but last week is as far as I got.  I’ve not been out on the bike since Tuesday last week because of a cold.

This time of year is when I start to get colds more and more frequent.  All through Winter I will have a cold from one week to the next, but I try not to let it get in my way.  I still work, I still help out with the kids and around the house, never moaning about having a cold.  I soldier on through where I can, but I can’t face getting out on the bike.  The thought of getting outside and panting while pushing down on those pedals really doesn’t appeal to me right now.  All I want to do is cosy up on the sofa and eat junk food.

It’s not doing any good for me mentally not getting out on the bike.  Right now I am feeling down and demotivated.  The constant headache, the constant snot pouring from my nose and the sore throat is driving me nuts!  All that mixed together means I’m not getting the sleep my body and my head requires at the moment.  Lack of sleep means lack of energy.  Lack of energy means lack of desire to get out on the saddle.  That then leads to me not feeling good about myself and comfort eating.

This last week hasn’t been great for sticking to the Slimming World plan either.  I even missed last nights weigh-in and IMAGE Therapy that I need.  This is a danger zone for me.  Missing a group often leads to me going way off the rails when I’m feeling fit and healthy, image the temptation of just consuming huge numbers of unneeded calories while I’m feeling like I am.  This leads to constant battle in my head.

I depend on my Slimming World group each week to keep me on track, it’s what it’s there for.  Other people in the group are likely the same as me, it’s routine and it’s required in order to keep that weight figure down.  Already today I’ve had a fight with food.  How I feel I just want comfort food; Bread, Chocolate, Crisps.  I don’t want to eat healthy foods right now, but I need to.  I can’t afford to go back to group next week with a huge gain and undo what I’ve achieved already.  I also know from previous experience that if I start to eat unhealthily because I’m not feeling great, I start to feel worse.  I start to feel depressed that I’ve given into myself, that I wasn’t strong enough to no to that take away or that sharing size bag of crisps.

This is where the Slimming World group comes in.  It gives me a new lease of life each week through my ‘life style change’.  It gives me the motivation to keep going for the next week and make the better choices.  I’m missing that now this week.  I’m sat here writing this thinking but there is a group tonight or tomorrow nearby, but I’ve a really bad cold and I don’t want to go coughing and sharing germs around other people – they certainly wouldn’t approve of it.  It’s an excuse, it really is, but it’s the time of year that colds are more common and we should be doing what we can to stop spreading them.  I’m working from home today as I don’t want to be responsible for other people in the office getting the strain of cold I have.

Physically I’m exhausted, mentally I’m tired.  I just have to keep reminding myself of the long game here.  I want to shed that weight so I can get that new bike and carry on with what I’ve found I’m really enjoying.  This cold can’t stop me achieving that, it can only set me back.  But I don’t want a set back, I want to keep going forward.  I’m going to keep drinking fluids, I’m going to try my best to keep to healthier foods.  I’m not going to give into temptation just because I feel down and tired, I can do this.