It’s not easy trying to change something about yourself. Especially when you’re trying to change years of bad habits and bad food. It’s even harder if you put in place a support network of people and you miss a week at group. This is what I did last week. I wasn’t feeling up to going so I didn’t, the result was two bad weeks instead of one.
Food addiction is an actual thing and I suffer from it – big time. I can go a few weeks being on plan with Slimming World and get some cracking losses each week, but then the cravings start. This is the food addiction kicking in. This started kicking in again last week. What did I do about it? Nothing, abso-freaking-lutely nothing.
If I cast myself to this time last week I was buzzing. I had lost weight for 3 weeks running and was starting to make a nice little run of decent weight losses. I’d lost 11 lbs in 3 weeks and was feeling good about myself. Not only had I had a good run of results, but I was 2 lbs off that next award, 2 stones.
This week went to pot from the start though. As I posted yesterday Halloween was not good for me. Yes, I’ve literally taken sweets from my daughter and you can judge all you want. But the fact is I am as big as I am because of bad habits with food that I have allowed to run me for years. Now bad habits don’t just stop overnight. I’ve tried and failed multiple times to lose weight, but in reality, the habits keep winning. I’m not the only person who feels like this, there are lots of overweight people in the world likely feeling exactly as I do (yes, that is an assumption).
I hate Halloween, not because kids are out asking “trick or treat”, not because people go mad for spooky decorations and costumes and not because it’s just a money making scheme that companies rope you into buying stuff you don’t really need. I hate it because the kids always come back with loads of sweets (not good for me).
I have a sweet tooth, I love a bit of chocolate or some Haribo or something here and there. My daughter being 4 years old went trick or treating with mummy and nanny this year. She loved it, she dressed as a witch with the face paint on and everything – she thought it was ace and I likely would at her age too. OK, me and the wife probably hyped her up a bit this year leading up to Halloween, but my daughter getting as excited as she did was well worth it. I think this year is the first year she has fully understood the whole trick or treat thing and was looking forward to it.
Since Wednesday last week I have been fighting with myself every day – quite often loosing too. My daughter had a rather large bag (almost the size of a 5p carrier bag) full of sweets and chocolate. I mean some houses on our estate went to town this year and gave little goody bags themselves instead of take 1 sweet from a bowl. It has been hell for me – and will probably be worse when my daughter eventually realises I’ve eaten half of her goodies (if she notices at all).
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The thing for me is I didn’t just have a couple of little bits Wednesday night, it was then all day Thursday and Friday, all weekend and then Monday evening. That bag is in the house and I know it, even if I put it away in the cupboard I am drawn back to it again. It is horrible knowing that half the time I’m saying to myself “you don’t need it, just grab a glass of water or squash instead”. The other half of the time I’m thinking “what the hell, they’ll be gone sooner if I eat them”. It’s safe to say I’ve not been on plan this week ready for Wednesday weigh night.
I’m prepared to deal with the damage from this weeks weigh in tomorrow evening, but what I can’t handle is the guilt… the regret… the “why did I do it” that comes following the damage. That’s what kills me and has previously sent me into a string of weeks where I’ve lost control.
I’ve not gained full control this week at all, most meals have been on plan but the snacking certainly hasn’t. All I can do is forget about this last week and push on into next week with the ambition of getting that 2 stone award (likely I won’t get it this week).